So I’m on my way home. It’s 11 pm. A young man moves from his spot near the front of the bus to sit two seats from me.
At this point I am wary, this had already happened once tonight, but he was kind and polite so I spoke with him. He talked about hot chocolate and what kinds he liked, then about his schooling. It was a nice conversation. He then asks:
“By the way, I’m not disturbing you am I? Not in your personal space or anything? You’re really cute and probably get this a lot, and I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”
And I swear the florescent lights above his head shown brighter in that moment.
He asked for my number so we could go for hot chocolate, I told him to text me so I’d have his as well obviously.
The text I get about twenty minutes later was one asking if I got to my destination safely.
They exist ladies. They exist.
So I’m on my way home. It’s 11 pm. A young man moves from his spot near the front of the bus to sit two seats from me.
I recently told a lover I was having trouble finding something to post about, because I didn’t want to post sad things all the time, and sad things have been taking up a lot of my thoughts lately.
He suggested I write about policing boundaries and asking for what you want, because that’s been a part of my issues lately.
I don’t know what to say, I don’t know what to write about that. Because…it’s not something I’ve really got the best handle on.
But maybe that’s the best reason to write about it. So here we go. I’m going to talk about the hardest thing to talk about or do ever.
Asking for help.
I HATE asking for help.
It has to be one of the hardest things for me. I hate it. I hate saying I need something. It makes me feel stupid and incompetent. Other people can do it. My partner can do it. Their partners can do it. Why can’t I do it? There must be something wrong with me. I must be terrible. I must be weak.
Whenever I bring an issue I’m having with our relationship to a lover, he always brings up examples of when I’ve done the same thing. I know what he’s trying to do is be like “See? It’s not so bad! Just think of it the same in reverse.” but all I hear is “I can handle it, why can’t you?”
And I immediately get defensive and the conversation no longer remains productive. I just feel stupid that I brought it up. That I’m being a terrible hypocrite that can’t handle their shit. Then I don’t want to ask for help anymore.
I need to hear about dates. But I don’t feel I can ask.
I have a partner and we have trouble communicating about his dates. When I ask about them, I get “It was nice!”. Always just nice. It’s usually said in a higher pitch than his usually voice, and has to be three of the more irritating words ever.
This frustrates me and if I inquire more, someone usually ends up snapping at the other. Or it gets called a “report about his date”. Like this is work. And at that point I don’t even want them to tell me anymore.
And if I don’t ask, I get nothing at all.
And it’s a terrible feeling because I feel better when I know more but don’t feel I can ask for it without being an annoyance. And I just get infuriated with myself for not being able to just let it go.
I can’t even ask for help cooking something I’ve never cooked before. I expect myself just to be able to figure it out on my own.
I don’t like being reassured when I’m upset. I usually just find ways to contradict it and would rather just be left to deal with it on my own.
I recently had trouble telling a suitor I’d rather our date be a private one. Because I was afraid I misinterpreted all his messages and he didn’t really like me at all. It escalated really quickly.
And having this problem has hurt me more times than I can count. Because people can’t read my mind, because they only know as much as I tell them. It’s a really important skill that I haven’t gotten the hang out yet…which is REALLY hard for me to admit. And I’m not even sure how to not do this by myself. How do I ask someone to help me get better at asking for help? That sounds ridiculous.
But asking for what you need is something that is pretty essential to poly. It really helps when dealing with insecurities, or jealousy. Just a small “I need more time with you alone”, “I’d like to be more physically affectionate when we’re together” or even “I need a lot of kisses and reassurance right now” can make ALL the difference and prevent a lot of hurt feelings and misunderstandings. Not being able to communicate what you want is how terrible snowballs form and that isn’t good for anyone.
I KNOW all this and still…sometimes I’d just rather feel upset than needy.
I wanna play a consent succubus at a LARP. I want to go around and be flirty and fun without like, casting love and lust on people. I’d be all:
“Would it be alright with you if we took this conversation to the next level?”
“Could we partake in coitus now?”
“Just letting you know because communication is important, I’m going to take your life source now. Would you rather 10 years or three years and two potential(exp.)? Negotiating is good for everyone involved..”
“What should our safe word be? I want you to be as comfortable as possible while I drain parts of your soul.”
I think that’d be pretty fun.
When you’re on your phone, when you turn your lights on or take a flight in an airplane, you know who was responsible for that, who invented that technology. You know who helped us understand gravity, you know who founded America.
People celebrate the achievements of these men everyday by knowing who they are and where they left their mark in history. A lot of what we have today has been shaped by these (white) men, the laws we have, our rights, when we have our holidays, largely shaped by men. Everyday of the year people know and celebrate this.
Women’s day is important because we are people who are left out of this daily conversation. Much of our accomplishments aren’t remembered, aren’t recognized day to day. Aren’t even taught in our schools.
International Women’s Day is not about men’s achievements being unimportant; because they’re very important. It’s not about men not deserving acknowledgement for the great they’ve done and the hardship they’ve been through; because they do. It’s about one day of the year, JUST ONE DAY, the daily conversation not being about men. It’s about this one day taking sometime to learn or remember what women have been though and done to get where we are today.
We already know what men have done and been though, its called a history textbook.
And it saddens me to see all this talk about men. “When is international men’s day?” “Why don’t men get a day?” “Can’t we just focus on equality instead?”. Its twenty four hours dedicated to remembering the strives and struggles of women. Everywhere! Not just in North America. Don’t worry, we’ll return to regularly scheduled patriarchy tomorrow. But for today, take a few minutes out of your day to look up some of the awesome things women have accomplished, or learn more about the gender based struggles they deal with everyday.
Or at VERY least, stop making the conversation about men once again.
This post very much focuses on IWD here in Canada and I’m sorry about that. I’d love to be linked to more inclusive, in depth takes so I can re-blog them if anyone has the resources!
I seemed to have maybe caused potential alarm with one of my posts that was bdsm in nature, so I thought I’d make a post that talks a bit about me and what I do with this blog.
I have three main things I like to talk about here:
LARP, relationships, and sex.
The LARP posts are usually about my observations about the culture, my relationships posts are usually about poly. And well, my sex posts will usually be…
I like to share my experiences here, they are what inspire me. So the sexy posts will most likely contain one of the following: Submission, impact play, or consensual non-consent. The ones containing consensual non-consent will always include trigger warnings, I know my tastes aren’t for everyone.
It’s great to have acquired a following of awesome, caring people. And if you come across something in my posts that you’re unsure about or aren’t familiar with, you’ll continue to address me about them, and I can help you understand me a little bit better.
I hope these topics continue to be of interest to you, because they certainly are to me ; D
I wasn’t there for five minutes before I was on my knees with his cock in my mouth.
I had barely gotten my coat off before I was dragged by the neck off to his room and pushed down in front of him. A hand was kept firmly in my hair, making sure my pauses for breathe were never longer than need be.
My glasses continuously slid down my nose as he pushed into the back of my throat, making me gasp with each thrust. When he was hard like this it made it hurt to keep him in my mouth for this long. My jaw ached long before he was finished with me.
I tried to pull away slightly as he began to come but he was having none of that. He tightened his grip on my hair and dove further into my throat. I gagged on him as I felt his squirt deep in me. The feeling stayed in my throat for hours.
I pushed my glasses back up the bridge of my nose and rested my head against his thigh, panting quietly to myself. The hand on my head remained, but was caressing and soothing.
Been a bit bummed out about some turns a few relationships took recently, and I noticed a girl friend of mine list a bunch of her relationships on her fetlife page.
And I felt a surge of envy about it. not at anyone in particular, just that she had relationships to list there.
Sometimes because they don’t want to be, but mostly because I don’t have anyone to list there.
And tonight that silly little detail has made me sad. Sometimes I want as big fancy polycule too.
Or someone who wants to call me their own.
Nope. Just nope.
There’s the guy I’ve liked for quite sometime. When we’re together it’s great he’s kind and he’s fun, he’s sweet and charming. But I have to jump through hoops to get any time with him.
He says he lives a lifestyle where he doesn’t seek attention from people, they have to seek it from him. That he likes spending time with me and likes me a lot, but is too busy to make/commit to plans often.
I’m just going to take this moment to stop.
And talk a bit about me for a second.
I am hot as fuck. Have you seen my ass? No, you probably haven’t. But it’s a great fucking ass. I also have awesome big tits. And hips. And curly voluminous hair. And thick, thick thighs. I am a really attractive person. I’d do me.
I’d do me twice. And so would a million other people.
I am also really fucking intelligent. I provide some damn good stimulating conversation. I have words worth listening to, and ideas worth thought. You should feel pretty fucking special I’m sharing this kick ass mind with you.
I’m funny as hell. I’m snarky and sarcastic at times, but mostly just witty. And it’s great, I like making people laugh and I like laughing. I’m damn pleasant to spend time with.
And I give really good head.
I deserve the best. Always.
I will not be expected to beg for your attention
And if you’re not going to give me respect, I’m not going to give you anything at all.
Still totally bummed out about this girl getting a date before I did. I’m sure a lot of it has less to do with him and more that I think this girl is crappy to him and he can do better, but still. Super bummed out. I don’t even know what would make me feel better at this point. It seems like I just have to get over it. Ice cream maybe?
We haven’t really been able to talk about it. Gunna head out and listen to a friend talk about her problems. Probably mostly her asking why my partner won’t sleep with her
I really want to write a piece about why rape at LARPS is not okay, and very different from murder, torture, etc. The community seem to be in dire need for education on this topic. I’ll really done with 20-30 year old white boys telling me why sexual assault should be okay at game.
Would any of you happen to have any links to already existing resources I can check out? The more I can cite, the better.