I recently told a lover I was having trouble finding something to post about, because I didn’t want to post sad things all the time, and sad things have been taking up a lot of my thoughts lately.
He suggested I write about policing boundaries and asking for what you want, because that’s been a part of my issues lately.
I don’t know what to say, I don’t know what to write about that. Because…it’s not something I’ve really got the best handle on.
But maybe that’s the best reason to write about it. So here we go. I’m going to talk about the hardest thing to talk about or do ever.
Asking for help.
I HATE asking for help.
It has to be one of the hardest things for me. I hate it. I hate saying I need something. It makes me feel stupid and incompetent. Other people can do it. My partner can do it. Their partners can do it. Why can’t I do it? There must be something wrong with me. I must be terrible. I must be weak.
Whenever I bring an issue I’m having with our relationship to a lover, he always brings up examples of when I’ve done the same thing. I know what he’s trying to do is be like “See? It’s not so bad! Just think of it the same in reverse.” but all I hear is “I can handle it, why can’t you?”
And I immediately get defensive and the conversation no longer remains productive. I just feel stupid that I brought it up. That I’m being a terrible hypocrite that can’t handle their shit. Then I don’t want to ask for help anymore.
I need to hear about dates. But I don’t feel I can ask.
I have a partner and we have trouble communicating about his dates. When I ask about them, I get “It was nice!”. Always just nice. It’s usually said in a higher pitch than his usually voice, and has to be three of the more irritating words ever.
This frustrates me and if I inquire more, someone usually ends up snapping at the other. Or it gets called a “report about his date”. Like this is work. And at that point I don’t even want them to tell me anymore.
And if I don’t ask, I get nothing at all.
And it’s a terrible feeling because I feel better when I know more but don’t feel I can ask for it without being an annoyance. And I just get infuriated with myself for not being able to just let it go.
I can’t even ask for help cooking something I’ve never cooked before. I expect myself just to be able to figure it out on my own.
I don’t like being reassured when I’m upset. I usually just find ways to contradict it and would rather just be left to deal with it on my own.
I recently had trouble telling a suitor I’d rather our date be a private one. Because I was afraid I misinterpreted all his messages and he didn’t really like me at all. It escalated really quickly.
And having this problem has hurt me more times than I can count. Because people can’t read my mind, because they only know as much as I tell them. It’s a really important skill that I haven’t gotten the hang out yet…which is REALLY hard for me to admit. And I’m not even sure how to not do this by myself. How do I ask someone to help me get better at asking for help? That sounds ridiculous.
But asking for what you need is something that is pretty essential to poly. It really helps when dealing with insecurities, or jealousy. Just a small “I need more time with you alone”, “I’d like to be more physically affectionate when we’re together” or even “I need a lot of kisses and reassurance right now” can make ALL the difference and prevent a lot of hurt feelings and misunderstandings. Not being able to communicate what you want is how terrible snowballs form and that isn’t good for anyone.
I KNOW all this and still…sometimes I’d just rather feel upset than needy.
